Chapter Seven: The Case of the Casino Night Caper
(SOUND: Cards shuffling, and low level ambiance of a full “Casino Night” at the Admiral’s Shanks.)
(SCENE: INT. The Admiral’s Shanks. Late. FAWX and SARAH sit at the card table with three melancholy middle-aged men who are completely silent.)
FAWX
So… Dealer, Gentleman, Gentleman, Gentleman. What’s the name of the game at this table?
DEALER
Well Mr…
FAWX
Kensington. Britt Kensington. Gentleman gambler and rogue. And this is my… Wi - girlfriend -?
SARAH
Associate. Bridgegirdle. Septima Bridgegirdle.
FAWX
Yes. Septima. My Associate. You understand, gents. Wife at home. Casino night. The dogs will play, eh. We’re all on the level here.
(SARAH elbows him.)
Ahh! Only fooling gents, I’m not having an affair.
(SOUND: She elbows him. Harder.)
This is a working relationship.
(SOUND: She elbows him again.)
I was just lying to make myself feel like more of a man!
DEALER
Well, Mr. Kensington and Ms… Bridgegirdle. This is the owner’s table and as such we are playing the owner’s game: Kribbitz.
FAWX
Excellent. Hit me with the rules. I love a challenge.
DEALER
I hold in my hand a deck of cards. Players must make a bet on at least one of four possible characteristics, colour of card, suit, value, and fools, also known in the public houses and stag nights as the Joker, of which there is one. The odds increase the more specific the bet gets, as does the value of the pot given the chances of winning - 50% chance of winning on colours, 25 on suits, 8 for values, and less than 2% for the Fool.
FAWX
…So….I’m just trying to guess what card will get pulled.
DEALER
Yes.
FAWX
Ok, then why not just say that? You know, it’s much more complicated the way you just explained it.
DEALER
I’ll do my best to simplify for you, Mr. Kensington. Would you like to play?
(Brief beat. Time to impress:)
FAWX
Deal me in for 2 crowns!
SARAH
(whispering to FAWX)
What are you doing?
FAWX
Blending. Trust me, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s like the dealer said, it’s just a simple matter of statistics - weighing the odds and keeping track of what came before. You just have to spot the pattern!
DEALER
First bet is to you, sir.
FAWX
2 crowns on… the 9 of clubs.
(The DEALER takes bets from the other two players at the table. FAWX addresses SARAH. Sincerely.)
Don’t worry. I’ve got this.
SARAH
I’m severely worried that you don’t.
(SOUND: The DEALER slaps down a card.)
DEALER
2 of hearts.
(SOUND: The DEALER throws a few coins to one of the men.)
FAWX
Ahem. Just… warming up.
CREDITS
Fawx and Stallion, by Ian Geers and Lauren Grace Thompson. Part Seven: The Case of the Casino Night Caper
(SCENE: INT. The Admiral’s Shanks. Late. Where we just left off.)
FAWX
2 crowns on the Jack… of diamonds.
(FAWX looks to SARAH giving her an affirming nod.)
This one’s our hand.
SARAH
Whatever you say, Mr. Kensington.
DEALER
3 of hearts, Gentlemen.
FAWX
Oh, come on! -
SARAH
Keep your voice down!
FAWX
Sorry, I’m just not -
SARAH
Winning?
DEALER
Would you like to bet on the next round, sir?
FAWX
Yes!
SARAH
Bloody hell. I hope Madge and James are having better luck than us.
(SOUND: A bucket of water getting poured on STALLION)
(SCENE. INT. a Private room in The Admiral’s Shanks. Same time.)
STALLION
Jesus Christ! That’s freezing.
OSKAR
That’ll be the ice water..
STALLION
You don’t say. And by the time I get this blindfold off my tuxedo had better be clean–and I expect it to be hung up!
OSKAR
I don’t think you have a lot of room to be making demands, Mr. Stallion.
STALLION
That’s never stopped me before.
OSKAR
Just keep ya trap shut.
STALLION
You do realise that cold water holds significantly more impurities than hot water, right? Now who’s the shit detective.
(SOUND: Another bucket of water gets poured on STALLION. This time it’s hot.)
Jesus!
OSKAR
Sorry did I not mention the hot water was coming next?
STALLION
No! You didn’t!
OSKAR
Oopsie. Now are you ready to talk about what you were doing at the Crimeria Estate this morning.
STALLION
Volunteering!
OSKAR
If you’d actually been volunteering, wouldn’t you have brought what we told ya?
STALLION
Right, and I did! Just remind me, real quick, what was that, exactly?
OSKAR
You got some cheek, don’t ya.
STALLION
Well if I hadn’t been stripped of my tux I can assure you the “cheek” factor would be significantly lowered. Could I perhaps get a towel or high thread-count robe?
OSKAR
First interrogation?
STALLION
What made you guess?
(SOUND: Another bath of water is poured over him.)
Oh my god! Why is it cold again?
OSKAR
I poured an extra just in case I spilled. Now, are you ready to talk?
STALLION
(shivering)
Sure, just give me a moment to go into hypothermic shock.
OSKAR
Jesus Christ… fuckin’ rich people.
(SOUND: A secret knock. Through the door:)
CLARENCE
Oy!
(CLARENCE opens the door, pops his head in)
He’s on deck, yeah?
OSKAR
Heard.
(SOUND: The door closes.)
STALLION
On deck for what? Another trip to the baths?
OSKAR
Well, since you didn’t bring what we told ya to, you’ll have to do.
STALLION
(to himself)
Madge, you’d better be having better luck than me right now…
(SOUND: The sexy music from the last time MADGE and SAZARAC hooked up in episode 4. Candles are burning. A sexy vibe. She is having much better luck than James.)
(SCENE: INT. Another private room in The Admiral’s Shanks. Very exclusive, there’s even a bed.)
(MADGE and SAZARAC are lying in said bed, still out of breath.)
SAZARAC
Now that is what I call a reunion, Ms. Pangea.
MADGE
I can think of worse bookends to my day, Ms. Sazarac...
SAZARAC
Furina, please. Cigarette?
MADGE
When in Rome. Furina.
(SOUND: SAZARAC lights MADGE’s cigarette, then her own.)
SAZARAC
You have no idea how glad I was to see you tonight.
MADGE
Pretty happy coincidence, I’d say. Any major events in your neck of the woods between this morning and now?
SAZARAC
(almost chokes as she inhales)
Come again?
MADGE
I mean, I’ll do my best…
SAZARAC
No, sorry. It’s just… No one ever asks me about my day.
MADGE
Oh no. That’s a shame.
SAZARAC
(sitting up)
Even just now, when you asked, I could feel my whole body tense up like a child who was just caught by her lower-middleclass parents stuffing the family’s Figgy Pudding under her bed to satisfy her night hungers. Caught me off guard, I suppose.
MADGE
Oh well, why don’t you just come over to Ms. Pangea. She can help with that tension.
(MADGE sits up and gets SAZARAC in place for a shoulder massage)
SAZARAC
So I just… sit here.
MADGE
Exactly. Then I touch your shoulders. Is that ok?
SAZARAC
Yes…
MADGE
There we go. Now why don’t you tell me about your day?
SAZARAC
Oh… Oh wow… oh yes, this is a nice back touch, indeed.
MADGE
Learned my technique at day camp as a child. Now tell me about ya day? In detail. From the beginning.
SAZARAC
Mmmm… why do you want to know about my day?
MADGE
Well, it’s what’s causing you tension, innit? We don’t want that…
SAZARAC
I know but it’s private… I can’t say…
MADGE
You can’t…?
SAZARAC
No… but god, now I want to…
MADGE
Well I’m here to listen if you wanna say…
SAZARAC
But I can’t… It’s just…
MADGE
Yeah…?
(SOUND: Knock on the door. )
SAZARAC
Go away! I’m relaxing!!!
CLARENCE
(muffled through the door)
Ms Sazarac? It’s Clarence. I can’t hear you through the door.
SAZARAC
I said, I -!
MADGE
Why don’t you go ahead, Furina. You know I can help you relax when you get back.
SAZARAC
Ugh, fine. Duty calls, as they say…
(SAZARAC gets up and goes to the door.)
CLARENCE
(still on the other side of the door)
Ms. Sazarac -
(SAZARAC opens the door)
SAZARAC
What are you doing?! You see the ribbon on the door! Where did you learn etiquette, Clarence!
MADGE
Yeah, Clarence!
SAZARAC
This is exactly why I’m an accountant and you’re a thug.
CLARENCE
Noted. Sorry ma’am. I’ll get better at my etiquette skills before I take the bar. They’re ready for you.
SAZARAC
Ugh… Finish this another time then?
MADGE
If we must, we must.
CLARENCE
I’ll need your guest’s name for the log.?
MADGE
I’m sorry, ‘log’?
SAZARAC
Oh this is ‘Madge Stallion’. She’ll be my guest for this evening, won’t you, Madge.
MADGE
I…will… fuck, I hope Hampton is having better luck than me.
(SCENE; INT. The Admiral’s Shanks. Kribbitz Table. Same time.)
DEALER
5 of clubs.
(HAMPTON hits the table in despair, chips rattle a bit)
FAWX
Come the fuck on!
DEALER
That makes 3 games lost and an exciting 90 seconds of play for the rest of the table. Shall I deal you in another hand?
SARAH
(face in her hands at this point)
Perhaps we should cut you off for the night.
FAWX
(to SARAH, but also to himself because he needs it)
No, I'm going to win this. It’s just deduction. Simple elimination based on the previous patterns and random chance which is why I’m going to go for... the Queen…? Of spades!
DEALER
What’s your wager?
FAWX
2 crowns.
DEALER
Adventurous. You must present it on the table.
FAWX
(to SARAH)
Can I borrow 2 crowns?
SARAH
You only brought 4 crowns with you? To a casino night?
FAWX
Well how was I supposed to know what the small blind was at this table.
SARAH
You’re seated next to the dealer! You made the small blind!
FAWX
Well now I have to match it otherwise they’ll know we don’t belong here.
SARAH
UGH, I hate that that made sense.
(SOUND: She hands him the money.)
DEALER
All bets are in. And the winning card is… the 4 of hearts.
FAWX
No, no, that’s not - No!
SARAH
Come on! The pattern was right there! You couldn’t tell what came after 2 and 3?
FAWX
It couldn’t be that simple. There have been no Queens on the table this whole game, so probability said it was the most likely card to pull next. Obviously this is some sort of a trick deck or something!
SARAH
Or, it really is that simple and the pattern is right in front of your eyes. Oy, dealer. 2 crowns, 5 of hearts.
(The DEALER takes the rest of the bets.)
FAWX
No, it can’t be that easy. Lightning doesn’t strike 4 times in a row, it barely does 3! Go with the Queen of clubs. Just consider it!
SARAH
It’s been considered. 20 crowns, 5 of hearts.
(SOUND: The DEALER slaps down the card.)
DEALER
Queen of clubs.
FAWX/SARAH
See, I told you/Oh fuck this game!
(MUSIC: a slinky riff on the Victorian Budos Band/Ocean’s 11 theme.)
SCHNUTZ
Be a dear and deal me in, Prudence. I’ve got a feeling this may be my lucky table…
(SOUND: A stylish woman in an emerald green dress takes a seat next at the table. The same woman who was speaking to SAZARAC and OSKAR earlier. As she sits down the other players all quietly get up and leave.)
DEALER
But of course, Ma’am.
(The woman, Catalina Montgomery SCHNUTZ, sets her Pims Cup down. The pH of the room changes when she sits down. SARAH’s entire demeanour stiffens.)
SCHNUTZ
My grandmother taught me how to play Kribbitz. Every Sunday, my mother and father would leave me home with her while they futilely pretended their marriage wasn’t falling apart. They used to always say, “Don’t teach her any of those old country gambling games. The friends it’ll make her aren’t the ones she needs”. They meant well. According to them. What they didn’t realise though, was that games are the only way children communicate. Win a game against the neighbourhood bully and your spot in the grade school hierarchy was tenuous, but recognized. However, introduce a new game? The hierarchy shifts. Now you’re leading the conversation. And once you lead the conversation everything funnels to you: information, objectives….people. And then, before you know it, you can predict the moves of everyone and everything in your orbit: even a random card. Which leads me…to you.
FAWX
Me?
SCHNUTZ
No.
SARAH
Me?
SCHNUTZ
Yes. You. Who… are you? You don’t seem to be romantically involved with this man and yet you’re pulling money from your discretionary areas to aid in his bets, while being ever so careful to not play the game yourself. So what are you? A gentlewoman? An heiress I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting? Or… something else…
FAWX
Well, I’m Britt Kensington, gentleman gambler -
SCHNUTZ
I’m afraid there’s not room for more than one game at this table, Mr. Fawx. Your company was expected. However you, miss -
FAWX
(Trying to cover for SARAH)
“Mrs.” -
SCHNUTZ
Oh really, what makes you so sure?
FAWX
Because… If one assumes every woman they see to be wed, it makes every time that isn’t the case… a special surprise.
SCHNUTZ
So your assumption of this young lady’s marriage credentials lay entirely on your own hopes for a… “special surprise”?
FAWX
… Not entirely. I can also deduce -
DEALER
Bet is yours, ma’am.
SCHNUTZ
Excuse me. 4 pounds on the ace of hearts. Now… Your deduction. I’m on pins.
FAWX
(clearing his throat)
For one, her dress. A modest cut, late century. Exclusive to Farthing’s ‘81 Collection. Stylish and modern, minimally worn. Indicative of a lack of nightlife exposure, the life of a married woman. A dress of this stature and care, while previously worn by the bourgeoisie, now is only used for special occasions. The earrings are from three seasons ago, the shoes five. And don’t even get me started on the purse.
SARAH
I don’t have a purse.
FAWX
Exactly. Which is why I’ll call… on the Fool.
SCHNUTZ
Well. Look at you. That was impressive, if not mildly adorable. But I’m afraid, Mr. Fawx, you’re not the only one here with the power of deduction.
FAWX
Moved to prove the contrary? Be my guest.
(SOUND: DEALER flips over the card..)
DEALER
The Ace of Hearts.
SCHNUTZ
She isn’t wearing a ring.
FAWX
Oh. Yes, well. That.
SARAH
Admirable effort.
FAWX
Thank you.
SARAH
I was being facetious.
FAWX
I know.
SCHNUTZ
As do I… Sarah Fletchley. You know, I had a feeling I’d be seeing you tonight.
SARAH
Oh, I doubt that, Catalina.
SCHNUTZ
Good. Because now, I was being facetious.
SARAH
Hampton, this is Catalina -
SCHNUTZ
Catalina Montgomery Schnutz, Mr. Fawx. However, most know me by the tiresome moniker “The Hammer.” Bemused to meet you.
(She holds out her hand to shake. He takes it.)
FAWX
Charmed. Speaking of rings…I couldn’t help but notice yours. Pewter, inlaid with the image of a…what is that, a…hammer?
SCHNUTZ
Can’t get anything past you, detective.
FAWX
You know, I had a run in the other day with a man wearing the same ring. A banker. Perhaps an…associate of yours?
SCHNUTZ
Oh, perhaps indeed, detective. If only there were a way to narrow it down. You see, dozens of those rings are running around my establishment. It’s a bit of a party favour, you see, gifted to a particular group of… close friends. Think of it as an… Employee of the Month prize for unobtrusively separating patrons from trinkets they otherwise wouldn’t miss. I seem to notice that very ring on your little finger now, that must have been a neat bit of trickery. Are you currently seeking employment?
FAWX
(trying to be flirty–he’s not good at it)
Perhaps, if you told me a bit more about the…perks of the job…
SCHNUTZ
Why don’t you ask your freshly-deduced, unwed friend here, Miss Fletchley? She knows all sorts of things about the goings on around here. Or she did, at least.
FAWX
Sarah…?
SCHNUTZ
Of course, that’s before she decided to leave us a while back for more…honourable pastures. They grow up so fast, don’t they? But sooner or later they always come crawling back to mummy for a glass of full fat milk…Oh, sorry, love. Too soon?
(SARAH moves to get up, FAWX stops her.)
SARAH/FAWX
Don’t you dare–/Sarah….
SCHNUTZ
You know, it’s so good seeing you here, Sarah. And on Casino Night, of all nights. But god knows, I love symmetry.
FAWX
Casino Night?
SARAH
She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
SCHNUTZ
Oh, come now, Sarah. You know that’s not true. Honestly, Mr. Fawx, I’m surprised she hasn’t told you yet. That says a lot.
FAWX
It does?
SARAH
It doesn’t.
SCHNUTZ
Sarah’s last sojourn at The Admiral’s Shanks was also during a Casino Night, nearly one year ago, do you remember? The time does fly. If I recall correctly, as I always do, that was the night that the house winnings “mysteriously” disappeared.
SARAH
Jesus, I had already put in my notice, I had a new job ready to take me. You just couldn’t bear the thought of anyone around here leaving this shithole and making an honest go of it, could ya? You had to take that from me, too.
SCHNUTZ
And have you? “Made an honest go”? No offence, Miss Fletchley, but it seems like these things just keep following your family, again and again and again. Like spiders caught in the bathwater, circling the drain, delaying the inevitable…
FAWX
Quite the alarming image but I think that’s enough, Ms –
SARAH
Catalina, I think you and I should speak in private or I’m gonna have to start asking you, in front of all these people-
SCHNUTZ
By now you should know how the game is played, Fletchley. And your part in it. I taught you well. Now, Mr. Fawx, I believe you owe me four pounds for a losing bet, and I should tell you there’s only one currency I’m willing to accept.
FAWX
…francs?
(SOUND: a small gun cocking)
SCHNUTZ
Why don’t you follow Clarence here into the back and we can… hash it all out.
(SOUND: FAWX and SARAH push out their chairs and begin walking.)
(SOUND: The back hall is cavernous and dark. FAWX, SARAH, SCHNUTZ and CLARENCE walk down the hallway.)
(SARAH and FAWX are being forcefully escorted to the back of the pub and down a set of stairs to a dark, dingy, basement. SCHNUTZ is leading with CLARENCE.)
FAWX
Really, Sarah? You never told us you had a past!
SARAH
We all have a past. I told you I worked at the seediest, most depraved place on the East End. You think that’s possible without doing some things you’re not particularly alright with?
FAWX
I do! But I’ve been vouching for you! I’ve been laying my reputation on the line while it turns out this whole time you’ve been versed in… juvenile crimes!
SARAH
I did what I had to do, and I got out when I could. Or at least, I tried. They don’t make it easy round here. Besides, you don’t think Holmes and Watson haven’t interacted with the odd pickpocket or two?
FAWX
No, I don’t. And even if they did, I’m sure it’s for a good reason, like trying to figure out the labyrinthian mind of a criminal.
SARAH
You just called it a ‘juvenile crime,’ whose crimes do you think they’re solving, The Artful Dodger’s?
FAWX
Why didn’t you just tell me?
SARAH
Injustices don’t just happen to saints, Mr Fawx. If you don’t understand that, maybe you never should have come.
CLARENCE
Oy! Hush up! There’s still a casino night on the other side of them walls.
FAWX
(whispering)
Things like this, in your past, could be the reason your mother has been targeted. You said Schnutz set you up once before, to keep you from leaving? Who’s to say she hasn’t done it again?
SARAH
Hampton -
FAWX
Look, I know there are aspects of this you don’t want to tell the police, but if you’re serious about us helping you…
SCHNUTZ
We’re here. Clarence, take Mr. Fawx to get ready.
FAWX
I’m sorry, get ready for what?
(SOUND: CLARENCE puts a burlap sack over FAWX’s head and pushes him off down a dark hallway.)
I can see why you’d think this sack over my head is necessary but I assure you, I have no clue what’s going -
(SOUND: SCHNUTZ gives a signal - a finger snap. CLARENCE whacks FAWX in the back of the head.)
SARAH
Oh, come on! You don’t need to hurt him, he’s harmless!
FAWX
(muffled)
Hey!
(CLARENCE drags FAWX away down the dark hallway.)
SCHNUTZ
Don’t worry, Sarah. You’ll be seeing Mr. Fawx again, very soon. But first, I wanted to show you what we’ve been up to since you’ve been gone.
(SOUND: A coded knock on a large metal door. The door opens.)
Please, after you…
(SOUND: The chaos of a CROWD hits SARAH. A raucous audience of men in tuxedos, yelling, drinking, clapping, groaning, and cursing. In the centre of the crowd is a large-domed cage - a wrestling arena. In the cage a skinny man is being beaten to a pulp by another ill-looking man.)
(MUSIC: A Victorian punk band shreds in the corner.)
Welcome to my arena.
SARAH
Alright, this is new.
(SCENE: INT. The Cage.)
(SOUND: We zoom over to: a flashy ANNOUNCER in the ring. A bell dings, signaling the end of the match. The crowd is still chatting excitedly.)
ANNOUNCER
That’s right, gents, let’s hear it for the amazing Grizzly Man! More of a cub to me, but we won’t hold that against him!
(The crowd goes wild. The GRIZZLY MAN is handed a sloshing pint of ale as he walks off, ashamed. The loser, The GRASSHOPPER (George) lays on the floor in the arena.)
SCHNUTZ
I think you’ll like this next one. And just between us girls, I’ll take your bet.
(SARAH does not get a good feeling from this.)
ANNOUNCER
Unfortunately we can’t say that’s where it ends for our loser, the dear Grasshopper George here, as he’s now relegated to the rematch bracket!
(SOUND: The crowd boos. GEORGE is dragged from the arena)
Poor little Georgie-boy…But now!
(SOUND: A heavy door opens, focus drawn to the next fighter that will enter. The crowd hushes.)
We have something truly, truly special, gentlemen…
(SOUND: A man is escorted into the arena in the same briefs and mask that were given to FAWX & STALLION at the Crimeria Estate. He has a burlap sack over his head.)
Hailing all the way from Baker Street. The self-proclaimed greatest detective mind in London.
(SOUND: The crowd is getting stoked.)
Not that one.
(SOUND: The crowd laughs disappointedly.)
May I introduce to you, your 10-to-1 long shot for the evening, The Fighting Fox!!!!
(The announcer removes the burlap sack: it’s FAWX. He’s wearing the briefs and mask.)
(SOUND: A zoom in on FAWX and SARAH (outside of reality) as they simultaneously realize:)
FAWX/SARAH
Shit.
(SOUND: We’re back to the arena. The crowd goes wild. Several men are putting in their bets.)
FAWX
Excuse me, I think you have me mistaken! I’m a detective, not a fighter -
ANNOUNCER
Alright then, I give ya three deductions how this goes for ya.
SCHNUTZ
(Shouting over the crowd)
Mr. Fawx, I must say you fill out the uniform quite exquisitely.
FAWX
(Shouting back)
Don’t suppose that means I could trouble you for a shirt or a pair of trousers perhaps?
ALL (but Sarah)
No!
FAWX
Understood.
(Shift. We’re up in a private booth with SCHNUTZ and SARAH)
SCHNUTZ
So Sarah. What’s your wager?
SARAH
My wager? My wager is that I’m not betting.
SCHNUTZ
Oh boo. I don’t know if it’s not working here anymore or your mum being on the chopping block but you have become so boring. Dour. It’s bad for the skin.
SARAH
Don’t bring her into this.
SCHNUTZ
Then wager.
SARAH
No.
SCHNUTZ
Oh come on, don’t you even want to ask what’s at stake?
SARAH
Not especially.
SCHNUTZ
Fine, then I’m going to pretend that you did because otherwise we’re just going to watch this next bit without any context and emotionally it won’t really mean anything, you know? If you wager right, I’ll pull every string I have from the top to the bottom of that rat’s nest of a building we call Scotland Yard to free Good Mother Eliza from the noose. And I may even have some pertinent information that may be of interest to you. Employee to employee, if you catch my meaning.
(Beat.)
SARAH
And if I lose?
SCHNUTZ
I believe you’ve met Oskar.
(SOUND: OSKAR emerges from the shadows.)
OSKAR
Spitting image of your mother, I tell you. Minus the wrinkles and creepy old lady hands.
SCHNUTZ
One bet. Do you believe Hampton Fawx will win this fight?
(SARAH looks to FAWX in the arena. He looks incredibly lost.)
FAWX
(yelling up from the arena)
So is… am I supposed to do anything? I’m just… it’s cold?
(SCHNUTZ looks to SARAH.)
SCHNUTZ
Tick tock.
SARAH
Catalina. Please just tell me why.
SCHNUTZ
Oh, come now. You came to a Casino Night, but you don’t have time for games? Pish, Fletchley. I knew you’d gotten soft but now you’re getting boring. Clarence, if you wouldn’t mind bringing in our final guest…
(SOUND: The door to SCHNUTZ’s box opens up and in walks CLARENCE escorting a tied up and blindfolded MADGE.)
MADGE
Where are we going? Get your calloused mitts off me. Feels like being manhandled by 3 week old scones. You need to moisturise, sir -
(CLARENCE ties another blindfold around MADGE’s mouth as a makeshift gag.)
SARAH
Madge!
MADGE
(gagged)
Sarah?
CLARENCE
Sorry ma’am. She put up quite a fight. And to be honest, most of it was verbal. And pretty mean.
MADGE
(gagged)
Fuck you.
SCHNUTZ
Oh, a fighter.
SARAH
You’re sick, you know that?
SCHNUTZ
Don’t blame me that your life hasn’t led you to be shameless. So… what is it gonna be? Can Hampton Fawx, “gentleman detective,” save your mother?
SARAH
Fine. I’ll take it. He’ll win.
SCHNUTZ
Adorable. The wager is locked.
(To the ANNOUNCER)
Bring on the challenger!
(To SARAH)
This will be fun. Drink?
(SOUND: We’re down in the arena with FAWX)
FAWX
(To SCHNUTZ)
I’m sorry, “challenger”?
ANNOUNCER
And now…. it is my extreme honour to bring to the arena our prize jewel, our finest specimen of physical prowess, you don’t yet know him, but you will love him, the Ragin’ Cage Match Favourite -
SARAH/FAWX
Shit.
ANNOUNCER
The Gooooooolllllldddddddeeeeennnnnn STALLION!!!!!!!
(SOUND: STALLION comes out, arms wide soaking in all of his Maximus-ian glory. He does not see FAWX. He clomps around the arena peacocking, but like a horse. He’s got a whole routine already.)
STALLION
(Over the intro music)
Alright, you want a show, then get ready for your seats to get damp, cuz The Stallion will give you a fucking show!
SARAH/FAWX
Shit!
STALLION
Hampton?
FAWX/SARAH/MADGE
James?!
(We’re in the box with SARAH and SCHNUTZ)
SCHNUTZ
The Fox vs. The Stallion. Delicious.
SARAH
What, do you want a bib or something? Keep it in your pants.
ANNOUNCER
(from below)
The betting floor will be closing in -
SCHNUTZ
All bets are in, right Sarah?
(Beat.)
SARAH
Right.
SCHNUTZ
Let the match COMMENCE!
(SOUND: We’re back in the ring. A bell rings. The match has begun. The crowd is keyed in. FAWX and STALLION don’t move.)
FAWX
Uhh… I don’t really… um…
STALLION
We know each other, so this is really just…
FAWX
Awkward, yeah?
STALLION
Right.
(Beat.)
SCHNUTZ
(To the room)
How gentlemanly. Unfortunately that isn’t how we play in this arena, is it? I’m afraid in this house we play by house rules. And house rules say:
CROWD
One. Man. Standing!
STALLION
Ahh. A routine. Lovely…
SCHNUTZ
So... set the timer.
(The announcer brings out a comically large hourglass.)
FAWX
An hourglass? Don’t worry James, we’ll have plenty of time to get out of this!
SCHNUTZ
(To the room:)
This hourglass runs out in one minute.
FAWX/STALLION
Oh come on!/That’s not how hourglasses work!
SCHNUTZ
No instigation after one minute and both fighters will be eliminated. And not just from the evening's events. Any questions?
FAWX
Will the questions be counted outside of the minute?
SCHNUTZ
Start the timer.
(SOUND: The announcer turns over the hour glass and rings the bell. FAWX & STALLION remain in their corners.)
SARAH
Go for it, Hampton. Kick his teeth in!
STALLION
What?! -
FAWX
Sarah!
(To STALLION:)
I did not tell her to say that -
STALLION
I would hope not!
CROWD
(overlapping)
Stampede his scrawny arse!/Crush him, Stallion./Kill the Fox!!!/You can’t see me but both of my thumbs are down!
FAWX
In my defense, looks like you’ve got… everyone else.
STALLION
(wistful)
Somehow doesn’t feel as good.
FAWX
So… are we going to…?
STALLION
Do you want to find out her definition of ‘eliminated’?
SARAH
Go! Fight!
STALLION
Yeah, we heard you, Fletchley! Thanks!
(NOTE: Over the next scene the lines that are italicised are said for the benefit of the crowd to instigate the fight, all other non-italicized dialogue is meant solely for each other.)
STALLION
(Knowingly to FAWX)
Come on then. Just like in sparring practice at home. For Ambrosius...
FAWX
(Picking up on it)
For Ambrosis…? Oh! For Ambrosius!
(SOUND: The two begin going through their sparring routine but massively overselling.)
SCHNUTZ
(To SARAH)
Now, let’s hope your little detective friend is better at no-holds-barred-cage-fighting than he is at making amateur deductions.
(Back in the fight.)
FAWX
How did you get here? Ahh! Take that!
STALLION
I could ask you the same question. You dare challenge the Stallion!
FAWX
Well, we got found out by the owner! Welcome to the Fawx-Hole!
STALLION
I was wondering how long it would take you to get to Fawx-Hole. Madge left me to run off with Sazarac and I got found out by Oskar.
FAWX
Two ships in the night. Brutal. Left-Right combo and swipe kick?
STALLION
Who’s A and who’s B?
FAWX
I’ll take A.
STALLION
You always do.
FAWX
Feint to the floor.
STALLION
Uh No! There’s about nine different textures on that floor.
FAWX
Ugh, fine. Uh oh, you got me!
(STALLION swipes at FAWX who feints to the floor, STALLION gets on top of him in a lock.)
God, it is truly wretched down here.
STALLION
Is it as sticky as it feels on my feet?
FAWX
Try to drag me?
(SOUND: He does. Fawx is stuck to the very sticky floor and doesn’t move.)
It’s worse.
STALLION
I guess money can’t buy everything. Enjoy your own Fawx-hole.
FAWX
So how did you end up here?
STALLION
Remember when Madge and I spotted Oskar and Sazarac and you said they were absolutely going to recognize us?
FAWX
I do.
STALLION
They did.
(STALLION stands. For the crowd:)
You won’t be getting up from down there!
(FAWX jumps up and advances.)
Oh no, you’re up! Ah, ah, ah, you were just on the ground. Don’t get too close to -
(FAWX jumps up and advances.)
FAWX
No, James seriously. Listen. It’s about the case.
STALLION
Oh, solved it already with Sarah, did you? What, did she walk on water? Turn piss into Burgundy?
FAWX
James, listen. We found the owner of this place, and get this: she’s called The Hammer!
STALLION
Wait, like—?
FAWX
Like the insignia on the ring! She’s got some sort of pickpocketing outfit running out of the club, full-on robbery can’t be too far a leap from that–it’s perfect, James! Also, maybe throw me or something, I think they’re getting bored.
(STALLION gives him a shove)
STALLION
Rahhhh! Right, then, but why Sarah’s mum?
FAWX
She was set up to take the fall, obviously! This Banker fellow committed the robbery, and Sarah’s mum was in the wrong place at the wrong time! You know, The Hammer planted evidence of theft on Sarah, just because she wanted to get out of this place! Oh, no, he’s advancing, he’s so tall!
STALLION
Wait–so Sarah was part of this ring of ring-wearing thieves?
FAWX
Right–and I was shocked too! But I’ve really had a reckoning about it, and–
STALLION
Why didn’t she mention this when we showed her the ring?
FAWX
–and I’ve really come to terms with–what?
STALLION
We showed her the ring, she saw the hammer on it–if she was part of this, why wouldn’t she have said before we came here? She knows the boss is called The Hammer.
FAWX
(trying to make sense of this unexpected curveball)
Right, well…
ANNOUNCER
Final minute before Double Elimination!
FAWX
Shit, no time. Ahhhh tackle!
(FAWX rushes him. STALLION steps neatly to the side to avoid him, isn’t even really fazed by this, caught up in the deduction)
STALLION
In fact, why not tell us that from the beginning? If her mother’s life hung in the balance.
FAWX
James, what are you saying?
(Beat. He knows what STALLION is saying.)
No. James, no. The–the banker! We saw the banker flee the scene of the crime!
STALLION
A banker with cheap shoes three sizes too big? A banker with a northern accent? A banker wearing a ring that fits on your pinkie finger, a ring that–now that I actually look at it–is very clearly a woman’s ring?
FAWX
Fine, so a woman did it! But not Sarah!
(STALLION grunts, the sparring intensifies and blurs into real combat.)
STALLION
Why not?
FAWX
Because it doesn’t make sense–why would she come to us? Why return the jewels she stole?
STALLION
Because her mother being arrested wasn’t part of the plan! So she, laden with guilt, as one would be, hires two private investigators to examine the scene of the crime the following morning, drawing everyone out of the games room so she can return the jewels, therefore proving that it couldn’t have been her mother–wow, actually, really solid plan on her part–
(SOUND: FAWX slaps him full across the face.)
Oww! That one actually hurt, Hamp -
FAWX
No, that’s not… no.
STALLION
God, I knew something was off about her ever since she started making unnecessary potshots at me back at the flat. Think about it!
FAWX
No, because… because…
STALLION
(riding high)
Oh, my god, I’m right, I am so right–take that, Archie!
(SOUND: FAWX tackles STALLION to the ground.)
AHH! I told you about the sticky ground!
FAWX
If she had a secret like that, why would she try to get Holmes & Watson to solve the case?
STALLION
Well, I mean, she didn’t, did she? She got us.
(Beat. The room has started listening to their conversation. Everyone is wrapt. Only the drum beat continues, pushing on.)
FAWX
What are you saying?
STALLION
I’m saying we’re not the only Private Investigators in London! I know you like to think we are, or that it’s just us and them, but there are more streets in London than Baker Street! There’s Haymarket! Carnaby! Regent Street!
FAWX
You’ve made your point -
STALLION
Tottenham Court, Oxford Street, Charing Cross -
FAWX
Ok -
CROWD MEMBER #1
St. James.
CROWD MEMBER #2
Fleet Street.
CROWD MEMBER #3
Northumberland.
FAWX
Yes, thank you! I get it!
CROWD MEMBER #1
Waterloo Street!
CROWD MEMBER #2
It’s Waterloo Road, ya dunce.
CROWD MEMBER #1
No it ain’t, it’s street. You think I don’t know my own street.
CROWD MEMBER #2
I’m tellin’ ya, mate, it’s road.
CROWD MEMBER #1
No, it ain’t.
ALL (Everyone, even FAWX & STALLION)
Yes, it is.
CROWD #1
Nah, I don’t think so…
FAWX
So what are you saying?
STALLION
If she was actually serious about solving this case, the whole case, why in god’s name would she ask us?
(FAWX turns to look at SARAH.)
FAWX
Because she believes in us… Right, Sarah?
(Beat. We’re back with SCHNUTZ and SARAH)
SCHNUTZ
Do you want to answer, Fletchley, or should I?
(Beat.)
SARAH
I–
(SOUND: The Hourglass runs out. A horn goes off or a bell rings, something signaling a bit shift.)
ANNOUNCER
And.... time! You know what that means, gents! Double elimination!
SCHNUTZ
Oh! Look at that timing. I’m so sorry Sarah, no last-minute commutation for mummy. Now, let’s stop with the games–why don’t you give these gentlemen the truth and me what I’m owed.
SARAH
Can’t we handle this in private, Catalina?
SCHNUTZ
Oh, the crowd won’t tell anyone. They’ve all signed Standard Admiral’s Shanks Non-Disclosure Agreements. Nothing that takes place in the arena, leaves the arena. Isn’t that right, gentlemen?
CROWD
Ay.
SCHNUTZ
Now. I’m not going to ask again.
FAWX
Sarah, she doesn’t know what she -
SCHNUTZ
Oh my god - just - Oskar!
(SCHNUTZ snaps to signal OSKAR to her side)
OSKAR
Anythin’ you say, Miss Schnutz.
SCHNUTZ
(Flirty)
“Mrs.”...
OSKAR
Not to me.
(SOUND: OSKAR pulls a lever on the wall and the floor in the cage begins opening mechanically. The crowd goes nuts!)
CROWD
In the pit! In the pit! In the pit!
(Crowd chants continue)
FAWX/STALLION
Jesus Christ!/Is that lava?
MADGE
(muffled)
What the fuck?!
SCHNUTZ
Truth or Elimination by fiery lava pit. Your choice.
(SOUND: The floor continues to open.)
FAWX
James, cling to the side of the cage.
STALLION
I know I look like I have it, but that is some very specific finger strength that I don’t know if I -
FAWX
Just do it now!
(SOUND: FAWX & STALLION have jumped up onto the sides of the cage. We go back to SCHNUTZ and SARAH)
SCHNUTZ
You know what, just for fun, let’s throw Mrs. Stallion into the mix, too. Oskar, on the count of 5, start taking off fingers.
(MADGE audibly struggles)
SARAH
(pained)
Please, stop–
SCHNUTZ
5, 4–what’s it gonna be, Fletchley! 3…
SARAH
I…
SCHNUTZ
2. I’m sorry - there’s a lot of noise right now. It’s just… Can you repeat that so the class can hear?
SARAH
Madge–
(SCHNUTZ starts to say “one,” before she can:)
SARAH
It was me!
(All sound stops, stepping outside of realism–the world stops for us like it does for FAWX, for a suspended moment)
FAWX
Sarah… You…
STALLION
HA!
(All sound returns)
SARAH
Let them go.
FAWX
I think I’m gonna be sick.
STALLION
Breathe and count to ten. I don’t know how much more this floor can take.
SCHNUTZ
Well, Sarah. With that I’d say we -
(SOUND: The door to SCHNUTZ’s box bursts open and SAZARAC comes running in. She is breathing heavily.)
One moment. Yes, Ms. Sazarac, how may I help you this time?
(SOUND: SAZARAC feverishly explains something to SCHNUTZ–we don’t hear it)
They what?! Fucking rich people.
(to the crowd, businesslike, clipping along)
Gentlemen, I regret to inform you this evening’s festivities will be cut short due to some important personal business. Single file line by the east exit. Messrs Fawx and Stallion, thank you for being such excellent collateral. Oskar! Pull the lever. Ta ta, Fawx & Stallion. It’s been a delight.
(SOUND: SCHNUTZ laughs and laughs. Fire rages, ready to engulf FAWX and STALLION.)
CREDITS
End of Part Seven.