CHAPTER NINE: THE CASE OF THE FLOCKTON STREET FINALE
(SCENE: INT. 224B Baker Street. Right where we left off.)
(FAWX and MADGE are in mid conversation from Part Eight)
MADGE
…I just don’t understand why you can’t patch things up with James. I feel like we just went through this.
FAWX
We did, and we resolved that we are making our own path forward–Hampton and Madge, Fawx and Stallion–god, it’s so perfect, we don’t even need to change the name!
MADGE
Oh, god, after all that you’re still on this weird “pride” kick?
FAWX
Pride in what?! I’ve never had a professional success to take pride in! If anything I’m blinded by my own ambition! I wish I had pride in myself!
MADGE
I think one sentence is the saddest thing you’ve ever said, and then… .
FAWX
James Stallion is as good as dead to me and I will not change my mind!
(SOUND: Knock on the front door. FAWX, MADGE, and Ambrosius look to the door.)
MADGE
Hampton, what time is it?
FAWX
Bit after 3 in the morning.
MADGE
Right, so anyone coming round at this hour is…
FAWX
Rude. And suspicious… Unless….
MADGE
Unless… it’s the only person who knows we’d still be up at 3 in the morning.
FAWX/MADGE
James.
(SOUND: FAWX unlocks the door and opens it revealing: OSKAR standing on the stoop.)
OSKAR
Evening, friends.
FAWX/MADGE
Oskar?!
CREDITS
OSKAR
Nice flat, this. I’ll be honest I was expecting something a bit more… shit?
FAWX
Oskar, so nice to see you. What are you - why - Madge, RUN -
(He makes a break for it, OSKAR stops him)
OSKAR
Not so fast, little Fawx.
FAWX
Worth a shot.
OSKAR
I ain’t here to hurt ya.
MADGE
Right, and what about me?
OSKAR
You neither.
MADGE
Ok, we’re good.
FAWX
So… if you’re not here to hurt us then…
OSKAR
Why am I here? Right. Well, see the thing is -
FAWX
You wanted to change sides? Are you a good guy now?! Madge, we’ve got us an 11 o’clock partner -!
OSKAR
No.
FAWX
Ok.
OSKAR
I was actually on my way to disperse a healthy amount of pain and discomfort to you because The Crimeria Family jewels have been stolen.
FAWX
(playing dumb-badly)
Well, ha, um–Ya don’t say?
OSKAR
I do and I did. Now where are they?
FAWX
Well, how in the pip bin are we supposed to know? We just found out the jewels were fake a few hours ago.
OSKAR
Right, but I’m not talkin’ bout the fake jewels no more. I’m talkin’ bout the real ones that were stolen. Tonight.
FAWX
…You’re saying you knew where the real jewels were this whole time?
OSKAR
Stop playing dumb! Miss Fletchley was your client, now she’s been arrested -
FAWX
God, word travels fast -
OSKAR
And you were her last known contacts. Way we see it, if she could successfully steal the fake jewels once, there’s no reason why she couldn’t steal the real ones too.
FAWX
Well as I’m sure you could tell from my reaction a few hours ago: I had no idea she had stolen the jewels when we took her on as a client. I had no idea she had returned them disguised as a funny banker. And finally, I had no idea they were fake until both of those events had already transpired. I’m apparently quite blinded by my own ego and ambitions.
MADGE
We’ve been having breakthroughs tonight
OSKAR
That’s nice, but I don’t really give a fig. It don’t matter to me who knew about the jewels or why. What matters to me is that my boss is happy. And my boss is only gonna be happy if they get what’s theirs. So. You are gonna give that to them.
FAWX
And by ‘that’ I assume you mean the real jewels?
MADGE
Even if we knew where they were, why are we gonna do that?
OSKAR
Because we have your friend.
FAWX
Aha! Joke’s on you, I have no friends. Now if you’ll -
OSKAR
James Stallion, or would you prefer “The Golden Stallion” from your short shorts and cock wagging days. You sure he don’t mean nothing to you?
(SOUND: OSKAR produces STALLION’s ascot.)
FAWX
James’ ascot. Where did you get that?
OSKAR
I don’t like repeating myself, mate. It’s a Crimeria thing. We have your friend, Mr. Stallion, at a secure location. And nothing’s gonna happen to him, don’t worry ya full head of hair over it, so long as we get the jewels.
MADGE
You sonofa -
FAWX
But we don’t have the real jewels. I just told you, I didn’t even know Sarah had the fake jewels until a few hours ago!
OSKAR
Right, see, that’s not my problem. I’m just the messenger here to tell you the situation: Your friend for the jewels. It don’t get much simpler.
MADGE
So you just wanted to stop by and let us know?
OSKAR
Well yeah. I was considering throwing a rock through the window with an intimidating note or something to that end but then I thought “Nah. Don’t got no paper.”
FAWX
Well…that’s an expensive fix, so thanks for that.
OSKAR
Besides, everyone knows Baker Street’s where Holmes and Watson are. Last thing I need is some actual detective breathin’ down my neck.
FAWX
You sonofa -
OSKAR
32 Flockton Street. 1 hour.
(OSKAR turns to leave.)
FAWX
Wait a minute. An hour. That makes no sense–it’ll take us nearly 2 hours to get to Flockton Street. We wouldn’t even make it on time if we left with you. Let alone knew where the real jewels were.
OSKAR
That’s not true. I got the carriage out front, it’ll only take me 40 minutes tops.
FAWX
So are we expected to just…ride with you?
OSKAR
I wasn’t planning on it but… sure, I just gotta make some room…
FAWX
Ok, can we leave in 20 minutes?
OSKAR
Why would we leave in 20 minutes?
FAWX
To give us time to look for the jewels.
OSKAR
Still sticking with that story, eh?
FAWX
Yes!
OSKAR
But you can get them in 20 minutes?
FAWX
Probably not!
OSKAR
Then what difference is it what time we leave?
(SOUND: OSKAR grabs FAWX and MADGE and shoves them towards the door of 224B.)
MADGE
Oy! Easy with the dress. I need to return this tomorrow for a full refund.
FAWX
No, no, no, no wait!
(FAWX throws his hand on the door, stopping them. OSKAR allows it, waits to let him finish)
FAWX
I, I, I think if we show up to Flockton St... Early… Without the jewels then… ya know, that’s just a waste of everyone’s time and, and potential safety. But if you give us the full two hours, then rest assured, Mr. Oskar, when we show up to the rendezvous point… we will have your jewels.
(Beat.)
OSKAR
Boy, he sounds confident, don’t he? Alright Mr. Fawx. You have one hour. Don’t be late. And don’t be light.
(SOUND: OSKAR leaves. FAWX shuts the door.)
FAWX
Oh my god.
(SOUND: FAWX collapses in a chair.)
MADGE
What is it? Ya recoiling cuz you were successfully confident for the first time in your life?
FAWX
I think I’m going to be sick.
MADGE
No, no. None of that. Neither of us has money to clean these carpets.
FAWX
I don’t know what I just did. I don’t know why I did that. They have James. Oh god, they have James!
MADGE
Not so mad at him now are ya.
FAWX
Of course I am! But I don’t want him to die! Two truths can co-exist.
MADGE
Good point. You’re on a roll.
FAWX
Oh, god, this is a disaster–we can’t solve this case in an hour, why did I say that? Hell, we couldn’t solve it in two! We have no leads, no James, and I just dramatically ripped all our evidence off the wall like an absolute buffoon! All that’s left is ripped newspaper and this ridiculous Golem ma–
(He stops cold. Beat. Looks at the map.)
MADGE
Hampton? Are you having a stroke? Do you smell burnt toast, cuz that could just be the perfume sample I tried. I’m not married to it.
FAWX
Wait! I think something is happening…
MADGE
Like…a mental break?
FAWX
Yes. A mental break… of genius!
MADGE
(“stay down, kid”)
Ok…
(SOUND: FAWX moves to the board, with purpose)
FAWX
What was the address of the meeting again?
MADGE
32 Flockton St. Why?
(MUSIC: Victorian detective theme)
FAWX
Madge, look at the map. These are all the locations the Golem has struck over the last six months. Now, what else do all of these locations have in common?
MADGE
(not following him)
…They’re not my favourite spots for a night cap?
FAWX
I’m being serious, Madge.
MADGE
They’re…homeless hubs in London. Hampton, we knew this already, we’ve known this for months. He strikes in places where no one will be missed, so by the time someone reports the disappearance, it’s too late to investigate.
FAWX
Right, but aside from that - take away what we know about the Golem, about the crimes - what do these locations have in common?
(A beat. Nothing. He reports from the papers on the board, tapping each headline in turn.)
The Admiral’s Shanks - East London… September 24th. “GOLEM TERRORIZES HOMELESS IN EAST LONDON”.
(Another tap.)
Blakeley Park… October 16th. “OVERNIGHT EXODUS: NO MOSES FOR DISAPPEARING HOMELESS OF BLAKELY PARK.”
(Another.)
Flockton St. - right in the heart of Bemondsey. November 3rd. “INCREASED GOLEM-ING ACTIVITY IN SOUTH LONDON. ALL SIGNS POINT TO GOLEM”. These are all places we’ve been this weekend, Madge.
MADGE
Alright, let’s say I go with you on this speculation -
FAWX
Deduction -
MADGE
Uh huh - That would mean that we have to go get James from…
FAWX
The heart of The Golem’s Path.
MADGE
Goddammit.
FAWX
What?
MADGE
I mean it doesn’t really make sense but also it kind of makes sense.
FAWX
There’s something there, right?
MADGE
It’s not nothing.
FAWX
I know! If only we weren’t walking into the gullet of the Golem without the jewels.
MADGE
Well that’s not entirely true.
FAWX
What do you mean?
MADGE
Alright, Hampton, you have to promise you won’t get all fidgety and indignant when I tell you this.
FAWX
(both fidgety and indignant)
I don’t get fidgety and indignant.
MADGE
You do, but I’m choosing to take you at your word. Tonight, when we split up at the Admiral’s Shanks, I went with Sazarac into an overly-perfumed, tacky little side room. And after momentarily knocking her out my sexual prowess again I noticed something in her briefcase.
(SOUND: a small zipper.)
FAWX
Oh my god. The jewels.
MADGE
You got your deductions and I got my impulses.
FAWX
And you kept them in your bustle?
MADGE
It’s quite handy for storing things.
FAWX
Oh, you know, chewing gum, cigarettes, priceless jewels.
MADGE
To name a few. So what do you have to say knowing I’m also a bit of a thief when the time calls for it.
FAWX
What do I have to say? Let’s go free a Stallion.
(SOUND: Transition. Walking along a dark alleyway in London, FAWX and MADGE step in puddles and pass hooting owls. No one knows where they are, but it’s atmospheric.)
(SCENE: EXT. 32 Flockton St. 4am)
FAWX
And… 32 Flockton Street. This must be the place.
MADGE
Oh fun, a dilapidated warehouse. Moody enough for ya?
FAWX
And perfect for a final confrontation. Now before we go in there, Madge, I just wanted to say thank you for -
MADGE
You think this is the end of the road for us?
FAWX
Well, no, not exactly but - I haven’t said it before. And I should have.
MADGE
(touched but not gonna make a thing of it)
Well. Then to make up the deficit you’ll have to tell me a second time later. Now what’s the plan?
FAWX
The same it always is, I suppose.
MADGE
You’re gonna do a silly voice and I’m gonna feel confident in winging it until someone actually asks something of me? That’s reassuring. Well, for Queen & Country?
FAWX
And Ambrosius.
MADGE
Right. And Ambrosius.
(SOUND: The rickety door opens up, revealing OSKAR. Again.)
OSKAR
I was gonna eavesdrop, but my damn reflexes just opened the door. You know how it is. Habits.
FAWX
Then by all means.
OSKAR
After you.
(SOUND: FAWX and MADGE head into 32 Flockton Street. OSKAR closes the door and locks it.)
(SCENE: INT. 32 Flockton Street.).
(FAWX and MADGE walk into a warehouse. Clearly whatever sort of a building was here has been gutted. In the centre of the room sits a large desk, currently vacant.)
(SOUND: OSKAR starts patting down MADGE.)
MADGE
Hey, hey, watch it with the pat down! Jesus, hands like a meat hammer.
OSKAR
That’s not all, love.
MADGE
I bet you tell yourself that a lot, huh?
FAWX
Mr. Oskar. I believe I have what you’re looking for.
(SOUND: FAWX produces a bag.)
No need to impose on the lady.
OSKAR
That’s all well and good, but I still gotta pat you down.
FAWX
Fine, pat us down. But then you bring us James Stallion.
CRIMERIA
(from the shadows)
Impressive timing, Mr. Fawx.
(SOUND: Slow footsteps out of the shadows.)
When Oskar here told me that you insisted on not having the jewels I was sure we were going to have to… incapacitate your partner. I’m so glad to see you’ve come to your senses. This will be so much less of a mess.
(SOUND: CRIMERIA arrives at the desk.)
FAWX
Jonathan Crimeria.
CRIMERIA
In the flesh, Mr. Fawx. Or should I say:
(Affecting his voice)
‘Britt Kensington’.
FAWX
No, that’s - don’t.
CRIMERIA
Oh it’s fine. I thought it was adorable. I’ve always admired those who went above and beyond. And you certainly strike me as the “extra credit” type.
MADGE
Well he sure has you pegged.
CRIMERIA
And, of course, Mrs. Stallion, believe me the pleasure is all mine.
MADGE
Ya know, same goes for me.
CRIMERIA
Please, please have a seat. No use standing on ceremony literally and metaphorically.
(While they take their seats:)
MADGE
(To FAWX)
What “literal” ceremony do you think he’s talking about?
CRIMERIA
Oskar!
OSKAR
Yes, boss.
CRIMERIA
Am I happy?
(SOUND: OSKAR checks the bag with the jewels.)
OSKAR
You’re very happy, sir.
CRIMERIA
Good. I love being happy.
FAWX
Well, we aim to please. So…
CRIMERIA
So… what? Am I being rude? Did I not offer you drinks? Oskar - !
FAWX
No! No. Thank you.
CRIMERIA
Are you sure? It’s quite alright. I keep a travelling bar with me at all times. Here, I even brought some of that brandy that you liked.
MADGE
I’ll be honest, I was just being nice when I said that -
FAWX
Where’s James?
CRIMERIA
James? Oh right, “The Golden Stallion”! Yes, that makes sense you’d want to see him. Oskar!
OSKAR
Christ, anything I can do for you?
CRIMERIA
Yes, a bit less lip, please. Go
(SOUND: OSKAR goes off.)
Apologies. Normally this is a 3 person operation, but our dear Ms. Sazarac is running late. Perhaps a bit embarrassed considering it was under her watch that the jewels were stolen. Again. Good on you two for arriving before the full threatening party. That’s professionalism. And you are nothing if not professional, eh? Forgive the joke.
FAWX
It’s under consideration.
MADGE
(to FAWX)
What was the joke?
FAWX
(to MADGE)
Pretty sure we were.
CRIMERIA
Correct. Ahh. Here they come.
(SOUND: OSKAR comes back with an old school set of stocks with STALLION locked in, or something similar–perhaps he’s dragged instead, but it’s not great. He looks terrible.)
FAWX
James!
MADGE
Christ!
STALLION
Hampton? Madge? What are you…?
FAWX
It’s alright James, I forgive you.
(SOUND: MADGE kicks him)
And also I’m sorry too.
STALLION
A bit past that now, but thanks for the confirmation.
CRIMERIA
Oh no! Did you two have a falling out? I’m sorry. See, while we’ve been waiting I’ve been asking your good friend and husband, Mr. Stallion all sorts of questions regarding you both. Your operation. Your friendship. Your marriage. Not a lot on that last one, I’ll say. And unfortunately have only gotten the following response:
STALLION
Oh my god, piss off.
CRIMERIA
Oskar.
(SOUND: OSKAR punches STALLION.)
MADGE/FAWX
Jesus!/Oh my god, James!
STALLION
It’s fine. I mean, it hurts a lot but it’s preferable to his constant talking.
CRIMERIA
Yes. It’s called a monologue, you dilettante. You spend so much time at the opera, Mr. Stallion, you’d think you’d appreciate a good performance.
STALLION
It’s not that good.
CRIMERIA
Yes it is! I know it is! I rehearsed it so it would be!
STALLION
There’s a reason some people leave it as a hobby.
CRIMERIA
Oskar!
(SOUND: OSKAR punches STALLION again.)
FAWX
Ok! That’s enough of that now. Please!
STALLION
Thank you.
CRIMERIA
Fine, fine. I’d still say if he had any manners we wouldn’t be resorting to this level of brutality, but ultimately: not my choice.
FAWX
Ok! Now, we gave you the jewels. Unlock James and we’ll be on our way.
CRIMERIA
If only ‘twere that simple.
FAWX
But it ‘twere- you said it ‘twere that simple!
OSKAR
That ‘twere on me. I lied’t.
CRIMERIA
Oh Oskar, you scoundrel. This is classic him.
(FAWX sighs in annoyance.)
FAWX
Ok so… what now?
CRIMERIA
Now… we wait.
MADGE
We…wait?
CRIMERIA
We wait. Don’t make me repeat it again. I’ve already told you I don’t like to repeat myself -
ALL
It’s a Crimeria thing.
(Pause.)
FAWX
You know, when I imagined a climactic confrontation for our first case, I didn’t really factor in “wait–”
CRIMERIA
(Full on baby tantrum)
What did I just say about repeating myself?! I said, we wait, so now we wait, alright? What's the good of talking if nobody listens to what you have to say! God, you’re acting just like my parents, may they rest in peace: NOW…we wait!
(Beat. It goes on for a long time.)
MADGE
Right, so how long were you imagining this to go on for exactly?
FAWX
Are we waiting on something? Because there’s a large distinction between–
CRIMERIA
We wait until we receive word that the Fletchley girl has had her date with the gallows.
FAWX
Sarah!
CRIMERIA
That’s the one, yes. We wait until Sarah’s death certificate has been signed, sealed, and delivered and then -
STALLION
Oh my god…
CRIMERIA
Yes?
STALLION
That’s practically 16 hours from now. You couldn’t have staged this rendezvous closer to the actual hanging?
CRIMERIA
It’s not my fault they don’t execute criminals on Sundays. You can blame god for that.
STALLION
I do.
CRIMERIA
So do I… Every day... But, in retrospect there were some… actualities about this part of the plan that could’ve used a second pass, but that doesn’t mean this won’t still work just fine. And the important thing is, I’m now reunited with my family’s jewels. Thank you.
FAWX
And James?
CRIMERIA
All yours once I receive word of the hanging. And with it, of course, the insurance check from the lost jewels.
FAWX
Insurance check? But you have the jewels again, why do you also need money from them?
CRIMERIA
Is he serious? Are you serious? Do you not know how insurance fraud works?
MADGE
Wait, wait, wait. If this was all just some insurance nonsense then why did Sarah steal the Jewels? Why not just get Oskar or, or the other one.
CRIMERIA
Sazarac?
MADGE
Sazarac, sure. Oof, glad she’s not around to hear that one.
CRIMERIA
Excellent point, Mrs. Stallion. Luckily I am prepared with an answer.
STALLION
Great.
(SOUND: OSKAR punches him.)
FAWX/MADGE/STALLION
Ok!/Would ya stop?/Stop punching me!
CRIMERIA
It’s simple. Because my business partner needed some… financial swaying, so to speak.
FAWX
And you didn’t have the money to pay?
CRIMERIA
Oh no, I do. I’m very rich. But why give away money when you could break even? It was actually her idea to use Miss Fletchley. It was quite clever.
STALLION
Her?
FAWX
Catalina Montgomery Schnutz. The owner of The Admiral’s Shanks.
MADGE
Sarah’s old boss.
CRIMERIA
Precisely! Excellent deduction. Honestly your rate of improvement is impressively above average. Yes, once the plan to steal the jewels for the money came about it was just about finding the right culprit. Mrs. Schnutz has no shortage of names in her debt but one in particular really seemed to stick in her craw. And it helped that she happened to have a relative that I already had on staff.
FAWX
So Sarah was set up?
CRIMERIA
You could say that.
MADGE
But could you?
CRIMERIA
I believe I just did.
FAWX
Well no. I mean you sort of did. You hinted at it. But if you did it then take the credit. It’s a genius plan and you pulled it off. For consistency’s sake, it would just be a shame to start inferring and half-saying now.
CRIMERIA
Fine, yes, sure. I wasn’t planning on mentioning Miss Fletchley so much in my speech, but I can improvise. Yes and she was “set up,” as you so crudely said.
STALLION
Ok then. And - well I mean since we’re here for… awhile.
CRIMERIA
Again, apologies for that.
STALLION
You didn’t apologise the first time, but fine. You mind telling us about how you’ve been using the Admiral’s Shanks to hide all your dirty business, getting protection from the clientele?
FAWX
I’m sorry?
STALLION
Retired officers. The entire patronage.
CRIMERIA
Most of them. There are still some good old fashioned criminals left in this world. But actually - oh, I’m actually really excited I’ll get to do this next part.
MADGE
Can’t wait…
CRIMERIA
The Admiral’s Shanks wasn’t just our office of operations. It was the operation.
(Beat.)
STALLION
Ok…?
FAWX
Care to elaborate?
CRIMERIA
(loving it)
If I must. Mr. Fawx. Surprise exam for the room: What’s better than one of your favourite things?
FAWX
… World peace?
CRIMERIA
Wrong. Multiple of your favourite things!
MADGE
Can’t believe you missed that.
STALLION
It was right there, mate.
CRIMERIA
Exactly! Franchising! Multiple Admiral’s Shanks throughout London! Tens of thousands of men a month flock from all over London to this one location. It’s lightning in a bottle. And since lightning never strikes the same place twice, we just have to plant lightning rods all over the city.
FAWX
Ok, ok. But in Whitechapel? The East End? Bemondsey? These are all the most dangerous parts of London, no one in their right mind would want to build a pub out here.
MADGE
Especially with all them Golem attacks recently.
CRIMERIA
Well yes, if you believe in that sort of thing and happen to be homeless, I can see how that would be a concern. However I am neither.
MADGE
Brag.
CRIMERIA
And you would be correct if we were indeed just interested in constructing a pub. These establishments however, are going to be so much more than pubs. You see, Messers Fawx and Stallion, The Admiral’s Shanks is about to undergo a massive personality shift.
MADGE
(to FAWX)
Safe to assume he knows what those look like.
CRIMERIA
Instead of being a neighbourhood watering hole with the most salaciously costumed waitstaff law will allow, we’re looking at being more of a lucrative industry. Game Halls. With the most salaciously costumed waitstaff law will allow.
FAWX
Game Halls? Like with… Games?
MADGE
Very good.
CRIMERIA
The Admiral’s Shanks is about to become the first franchised and licensed gambling house in all of London. Where every night is Casino Night! And where every night the house always wins.
OSKAR
(jokingly)
So long as the big, bad Golem don’t piss in the porridge.
FAWX
Oh I don’t think you’d have to worry about that, would you Oskar?
OSKAR
You tryna infer somethin’, detective?
FAWX
Oh, no, not at all, I’m quite lost on this whole thing actually–this being my first case and all. You did just mention, though, that the contracts for all of the new Admiral’s Shanks locations happen to be in the neighbourhoods The Golem has struck–truly unfortunate for the homeless communities in those areas. But even more unfortunate, it seems, is that those areas are also home to the other Crimeria legacy: the Homes for the Homeless shelters that your parents erected prior to their untimely, simultaneous deaths a month ago.
OSKAR
So what, ya got two details?
FAWX
Exactly. Two delicious little details. You saw promise in those neighbourhoods, as you’ve said, promise for a future that didn’t involve homeless Londoners ruining your brand new franchise of gaming halls. A future that didn’t involve your parents’ legacy, only yours. But you couldn’t simply shut down the shelters in those areas–what would The Times say about you? No, you needed to create a monster to prey on the people of those neighbourhoods, a monster to make them too scared to go to the very places they should have been safe from the likes of you. And luckily, you had a monster next to you this whole time. Am I right, Oskar? Or should I say: The Golem?
(Beat.)
OSKAR
You know you made no impression on me when I first met you, but now I’m really starting to like you.
CRIMERIA
Barring the added bonus that after the attacks the property value in the neighbourhoods dropped significantly, that’s another correct deduction. Look at you go!.
STALLION
Hampton, you did it!
FAWX
I did. I was right? I was right! Oh Yes!
CRIMERIA
Aww, that’s very sweet. Good for you.
MADGE
So what gave you the right to think you could just go around offing every tom, dick, and jane on the corner, you great brute.
CRIMERIA
That would be me. I gave him the right. I’m rich.
FAWX
Besides, they didn't kill all of them.
STALLION
Wait, he didn’t?
CRIMERIA
Oh god, no. We’re not barbaric.
OSKAR
Figured why bin these folk, when we could use ‘em…
MADGE/STALLION
The Volunteers…
FAWX
You know, looking back at it later, having been thrown headfirst into an underground fighting ring against my will, I assumed that morning at your estate you had meant to recruit us to fight from the start. But then I remembered what you said:
CRIMERIA
(same from part 4, flashback)
…I know you only deliver the highest quality, most singular, and most desperate…assets, that are available.
FAWX
You weren’t talking about us at all. And you weren’t talking about some inanimate objects or “assets”. You meant people. People we were supposed to recruit to fight in your club, who had nowhere else to go. Just like–
(Overlapping flashbacks come whooshing in with momentum:)
GEORGE
(flashback)
George Kensington.
ANNOUNCER
–our loser, the dear Grasshopper George–
GEORGE
(struggling)
Help me…
FAWX
You sent out agents all over this city to find people to fight for you. Agents like Oskar, Catalina, and Sazarac. “Volunteers.”
CRIMERIA
The only volunteering opportunity in London that pays cold, hard cash.
OSKAR
Only none of ‘em actually make it long enough to get paid.
MADGE
That’s sick!
CRIMERIA
I know, right? Honestly I can’t even take credit for the “volunteers” idea. That was all my faithful accountant. Ms. Sazarac has a lovely mind for fitting things where they don’t normally belong.
MADGE
She did? Ugh, now I just feel gross.
CRIMERIA
Indeed. I must say, The Golem, Ms. Sazarac and I really do know how to put on a show, don’t we?
STALLION
Wait a buttered biscuit, all of this was just about the money?
CRIMERIA
Is he…? Yes, I feel like we’re repeating ourselves at this point. And I don’t like doing that -
STALLION/FAWX/MADGE
It’s repeating!/It’s a Crimeria Thing/We know!
STALLION
That is so boring.
FAWX
And it’ll never work.
CRIMERIA
I assure you, Mr. Fawx, all the pieces are in place. There’s no way for it to fail.
FAWX
I’m not talking about financially, Crimeria, I’m talking about reputationally.
MADGE
People don’t want to see the same establishment on every corner. They want to know that where they’re going is special. Special to that neighbourhood, that clientele. Unique.
STALLION
Exactly! People want to feel like their pubs and shops are a secret so they can lord it over everyone and feel cool. And franchised businesses are decidedly not cool.
CRIMERIA
Come come, Messers Fawx & Stallion, you of all people should know the importance of having a brand. Isn’t that how “London’s top private investigative team” stays so busy with important cases? What? That is you, isn’t it? Or… are you just their neighbours?
FAWX
(annoyed sigh, to himself)
…Fuck this guy.
CRIMERIA
But now comes the best part of my plan.
STALLION
Jesus What’d you prepare a bergomask?
CRIMERIA
Oskar?
(SOUND: OSKAR produces and cocks a gun.)
FAWX/STALLION/MADGE
Whoa, whoa ok hold on now, Crimeria./That sounded like a gun but I can’t see it. Is it a gun?/You won’t do it, cuz you’re a fucking scab.
CRIMERIA
One question you failed to ask - although you did get a lot of good ones in - was why? Why would I tell you all this? Why would I reveal my whole plan to you and just let you walk free?
FAWX
Because we don’t have proof.
CRIMERIA
Exactly.
OSKAR
Ya know, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you was on your way to being a real detective.
FAWX
I… thank you?
MADGE
Wasn’t a compliment.
FAWX
With a different tone it could’ve been.
CRIMERIA
But alas, it t’wasn’t! And so I can just continue to prattle on about our insurance scheme, how we worked with Ms. Schnutz to frame young Sarah Fletchley, how I’ve made good on my parents’ overly expensive promise to clean up the streets of London albeit through systematic, gambling-based kidnapping and cage fights, and there’s no way anyone will believe you!
FAWX
Do you know, three days ago I would have been absolutely furious to hear you say that–
MADGE
Fidgety and indignant–
FAWX
–fidgety and indignant, thank you, Madge. But after the weekend I’ve had, I’ll be honest: I absolutely agree.
CRIMERIA
You…agree?
FAWX
I do! It’s a great point, after all. Who would believe our word–just three nobodies who happen to live on Baker Street– against that of the “great, philanthropic Jonathan Crimeria.” We’re not even real detectives. And I used to think that was a disadvantage.
STALLION
Hampton, what are you–
FAWX
But here’s the thing: if you assume that no one will believe your word, even when it makes sense, you start to get creative. You start to come up with other solutions. You start to wonder, if they’ll believe someone like you over someone like me, maybe it shouldn’t be me telling them. Maybe…maybe it should be you.
CRIMERIA
I appreciate the attempt to make your one moment of glory last as long as possible, but I really–
FAWX
Wonderful thing, recording devices. My partner, James, managed to invest early after he got hit by a city carriage in this very handy thing called a wax cylinder. They say it’s going to revolutionise the way we get information–no need to write anything down, you can hear it directly from the source.
CRIMERIA
Oh right, and where would this hypothetical wax cylinder even live? Your bodice? Mr. Stallion’s hand me down ascot?
STALLION
That was a gift!
FAWX
No. You see, here’s another thing I learned this weekend, from my other partner, Madge: you can hide a lot in a lady’s bustle. Priceless jewels, a stick of chewing gum…A full confession from Jonathan Crimeria himself.
CRIMERIA
What?
OSKAR
You -
STALLION
So that’s why you were playing so dumb!
FAWX
I - what?
(SOUND: The sound of a carriage, some distance away, at high speed.)
CRIMERIA
Well, well, well. Look at you Mr. Fawx. Just full of surprises and wax cylinders and bustles, unfortunately it won’t matter! You will not outsmart me! I cannot be outsmarted! I went to boarding school! I know how to spot the difference between a good canapé and a pile of carrots and twigs! I know what a salad fork is! You’re just a quartet of bumbling nobodies. A stain on the pantaloons of Holmes and Watson that no one will ever notice. Now, Oskar, unfortunately we must resort to Plan B: the gun.
(SOUND: The gun is cocked. The carriage is closer)
I do hope your wax cylinder picks up this next part, Mr. Fawx, because it’s going to be a -
(SOUND: Suddenly the carriage comes crashing through the wall of the building and comes rushing at CRIMERIA, OSKAR, and STALLION.)
OSKAR
Shit!
MADGE
Is that a carriage?!
FAWX
JAMES!!!!
(SOUND: FAWX leaps to tackle STALLION out of the way, right as OSKAR realizes the carriage is about to hit him)
OSKAR
Ah, shit.
(He is hit by the carriage, which goes a few more yards and stops.)
MADGE
Seriously is that a fucking carriage that just crashed through that wall?! Because what the fuck?!?!
(SOUND: FAWX frees STALLION.)
FAWX
James. James, are you ok?
STALLION
Hampton. Did you just jump in front of that carriage for me?
FAWX
Yes. Yes I believe I did.
(SOUND: They hug)
MADGE
Oy, dickheads! Over here, away from that runaway carriage before -
(SOUND: The door to the stagecoach swings open. SAZARAC, all dishevelled pops open the door, coughing profusely. There’s some smoke starting to come out.)
Sazarac?
SAZARAC
Madge! Madge, are you ok?! Once I found out Jonathan was planning on bringing you here I knew, I knew I had to stop him. Because I realised, I don’t need a job to feel important, and I don’t need jewels to be rich. Because Madge… Madge, I love -
(SOUND: The carriage blows up.)
FAWX
Oh my god.
STALLION
Did that carriage just blow up?
FAWX
Well that was convenient. Madge?
MADGE
I swear I didn’t realise we had that kind of thing. But now that I think about it, I mean, the signs were there.
(SOUND: They stay for a second staring at the fire.)
Right, wanna get out of here?
FAWX/STALLION
Yeah.
(SOUND: They run out the door and down the street before:)
(SCENE. EXT. Flockton St. Down the block)
STALLION
Wait. Should we go back?
MADGE
Fuck no, why?
STALLION
Check to see if Crimeria survived that carriage collision? Or Oskar?
(SOUND: The entire building collapses behind them. Beat.)
STALLION
On second thought…
FAWX
You know, I’m 95% sure I figured out how he murdered his parents about 3 minutes into that monologue.
STALLION
Fucking finally.
MADGE
Yeah, I refuse to feel bad for him.
STALLION
I do feel bad for Sarah, though. And as much as I hate to admit it, I think I owe that girl an apology.
MADGE
Couldn’t agree more. But for now, I do believe we just solved our first case.
FAWX
I think you’re right, Madge. I think you’re right.
(TRANSITIONAL MUSIC: Upbeat detective theme.)
(SCENE: INT. 224b Baker Street. The following day.)
SARAH
So it just blew up?
STALLION
Yes, Sarah, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. The fires of hell mere inches from my face. I’d have been done for if it wasn’t for Hampton.
FAWX
That’s true. Apparently the asbestos in that building was terrible - it’s good they found out now, that pub would’ve never lasted there.
SARAH
Well I really can’t thank you enough. And since Schnutz erased my debt, it looks like mum’ll be heading for an early retirement. Thank you again, by the way.
MADGE
It’s not every day you get to blackmail someone via wax cylinder, and I thank you for the opportunity to explore this new, terrifying side of myself.
(SOUND: knock knock.)
ALL
It’s Open!
(SOUND: ARCHIE enters.)
Archie!
STALLION
There he is! The best damn inspector in Scotland Yard.
FAWX
Inspector.
MADGE
Inspector.
ARCHIE
Hello James.
(SOUND: A quick peck on the cheek.)
Hampton, Madge.
SARAH
Right, should I go or -
STALLION
Oh shit, I forgot. No…?
FAWX
No, no, don’t be silly. You’re a free woman, Sarah. Free to cavort with anyone you see fit, from kings and queens to former people under your employ.
SARAH
Right… I’m gonna -
ARCHIE
No need, Miss Fletchley. We’re well out of the realm of “conflict of interest” now.
SARAH
Ok…
ARCHIE
I just wanted to come by in case you hadn’t seen the paper this morning.
STALLION
Oh my god, the spread on the House of Lords’ favourite recipes for their Christmas party? How many different mince pies do you need?
ARCHIE
No, not The Standard. The Times.
(SOUND: ARCHIE unfolds the newspaper and tosses it on the table. STALLION picks it up and reads:)
STALLION
“Holmes & Watson recover Crimeria Jewels after Death-Defying Scrap with The Golem.” Hey! Look at that, that’s - wait, what the blazes?!
SARAH
But…the Golem didn’t steal the Crimeria Jewels, I did.
STALLION
We know.
SARAH
I’m just saying, give credit where it’s due.
FAWX
They already wrote the article? That was fast.
ARCHIE
Though not entirely thorough. If I had to guess they have a template for Holmes and Watson stories and at this point it’s just finding and replacing the specific details with whatever information pertains to the new case.
FAWX
I could’ve told you that. I don’t think The Times has written an original article about them since their Study of Pink.
MADGE
I think you mean “Study in Pink.” And he calls himself a fan.
FAWX
Actually, I just wanted to leave the joke on the table there for you and see if you’d pick it up.
MADGE
Never question my penchant for studies in pink…
STALLION
I’m sorry, maybe I’m still a bit daft from being kidnapped, forced to fight in a cage, almost killed in a fire, kidnapped again, and kept in the stocks all night, but we actually solved this one! How the hell did Holmes and Watson snake this case too?
FAWX
Because I gave it to them.
STALLION/MADGE/SARAH
What?!
MADGE
But…you hate them stealing your cases.
STALLION
Exactly, not to mention they weren’t the ones who fucking solved it! They were on vacation for Christssake!
FAWX
Yes, yes, and yes. But…as much as I am loath to admit it, there is only one man in this city that can make Scotland Yard open a closed case, and luckily for us, he lives across the street and his train arrived this morning.
STALLION
But—the recording–
FAWX
They never would have even listened to it coming from us. It was a simple deduction, really.
MADGE
And you’re… ok with this?
FAWX
Me? Yes. I think I am. I’ll be honest, I made the decision when I was running on very little sleep and the adrenaline of having almost been killed but, yes, it was the right choice. Sarah is safe, her mum is safe, and justice was served so I’m glad for it. Truly.
(Beat.)
You know, perhaps with time to sit and think about it, will I actually feel “good” about it?… But no, no. That’s for another day. Maybe. Who knows. But today, I’m just glad that the Case of the Crimeria Jewels has come to a close!
STALLION
Well, if it’s possible to be equal parts good-chuffed and bad-chuffed on your behalf, put me in that category. How did they take all of it over at Scotland Yard?
ARCHIE
Oh, I wouldn’t know, I quit.
STALLION
You -? I’m sorry, maybe I didn’t, uhh… Had a bit to drink You…?
ARCHIE
Quit.
STALLION
You did?
ARCHIE
I did.
STALLION
When?
ARCHIE
Just now.
STALLION
And you didn’t… you know we can talk about this later if you’re not feeling -
FAWX/MADGE/SARAH
Or now/No shit/Good for you, but why?
STALLION
This was your first case as Inspector… why would you just hang up the hat and stick now?
ARCHIE
Helmut and Baton, but valiant effort. I suppose it was the culmination of a lot of small things ultimately, but at a certain point I realised that Justice and “Justice Through the Proper Channels” are not always the same thing. And honestly I think there's probably better, less soul-crushing work I can be doing to contribute to the world. At least I hope.
STALLION
I’m proud of you.
ARCHIE
Thank you. It feels good.
STALLION
You know you are always complaining that there’s no good patisserie near our flat.
ARCHIE
I’m listening.
FAWX
You know, Archie, in the interest of forging our own path forward, I think we are looking to expand the team quite a bit. And in the future, perhaps we could implore your skills on the odd case or two. A consultant to the consulting detectives, if you will.
MADGE
Or at the very least, we’ll absolutely require free catering. So ya got that going for ya..
STALLION
Oh god, I’m going to have to start exercising regularly again, aren’t I?
ARCHIE
I’d be honoured on both counts.
FAWX
Well I don’t know about you all but I propose a toast!
ARCHIE
There we go. That took longer than expected.
SARAH
Sounds great.
FAWX
John Milton once said -
(SOUND: Everyone objects.)
STALLION/SARAH/MADGE/ARCHIE
No, no!/Oh shove off/Fucking Milton?/I really just want to drink.
FAWX
Ok, ok, ok, ok. Fine! It was going to be good, but fine. Now, let’s see…
MADGE
I’m just gonna drink -
SARAH
Ok good, me too.
FAWX
Alright! Fine. The short version. To… To old friends and the new opportunities they invite.
STALLION
Yes, to what is - on paper at least - another professional failure.
FAWX
Exactly. My favourite failure so far.
MADGE
For Ambrosius.
ALL
For Ambrosius.
(SOUND: Ambrosius meows, sleepily. They all down their glasses in one. FAWX looks out at his friends.)
STALLION
Alright, fill ‘er up again.
ARCHIE
Another toast?
STALLION
No, just thirsty.
ARCHIE
That makes two of us, love.
(They smile at each other.)
SARAH
You know Madge, if you want, I can teach you a few of those sleight of hand tricks I was telling you about.
MADGE
Oh yeah, then maybe I could teach you a few things as well. About some subjects I don’t wanna get into in front of these delicate flowers here.
SARAH
Promise?
MADGE
On my life.
(They share a moment. FAWX just notices this now. A nice little deduction:)
FAWX
(pleased, maybe a little teasing)
Oh, so you two–?
MADGE
Two deductions in 24 hours, Hampton? Don’t hurt yourself.
FAWX
Noted.
(SARAH and MADGE break away. A moment, to himself, with Ambrosius:)
Good show, Ambrosius. Good show.
(SOUND: Ambrosius does his tired meow of recognition and falls asleep again. Then suddenly: a knock on the door.)
STALLION
Ughhh come on. Can’t we just drink in peace! I’m exhausted.
SARAH
It’s open!
MADGE
Now ya gettin’ the hang of it.
FAWX
I’ll get it, I’ll get it.
(SOUND: FAWX goes to the door.)
MADGE
Good, and tell ‘em to bugger off! There’s already three people too many in here.
(SOUND: FAWX opens the door. )
FAWX
Yes, hello, can I help… you…?
(A distressed well-to-do gentleman stands at the door.)
CLIENT
(Terrified, hasn’t slept in days)
H-Hello, I–I have a case?
FAWX
Yes, of course, sorry, you’re probably looking for 221B Baker Street, easy mistake-
CLIENT
No, I’m looking for you. Mr. Fawx & Mr. Stallion? My niece, Kate, works at the Crimeria Estate–she told me you helped set Eliza Fletchley free?
FAWX
(perhaps a bit flustered by the recognition)
Right…yes, well, actually, we did, a bit.
CLIENT
Are you Mr. Fawx or Mr. Stallion?
FAWX
Well…that’s the thing, really. We’re not so much a detective duo as a detective team these days. We sort of… do our own thing here.
(as he lists off the names, everyone makes some verbal sign of acknowledgement)
I’m Hampton. This is James, my best friend and partner. Madge, my–well, my other best friend and partner. Archie, currently unemployed/consultant. And…well, if she’d like that is….?
SARAH
Sarah. Here to help, I suppose.
FAWX
Excellent. So…how may we help you, sir?
(Beat. The CLIENT takes a seat.)
CLIENT
It’s about these messages I’ve been getting from my sister. Trouble is… she died over three years ago.
(Beat.)
FAWX
Well, team?
ALL
Yes?
FAWX
How do we feel about ghosts?
CREDITS
Fawx and Stallion is written and directed by Ian Geers and Lauren Grace Thompson. This episode was sound designed by Sarah Buchinsky (pronounced Boo-chin-skee) and original music was composed by Baldemar. This episode featured Jeremy Thompson as Hampton Fawx, Chris Vizurraga as James Stallion, Katie McLean Hainsworth as Madge Stallion, Tommy Malouf as Jonathan Crimeria, Shawn Pfautsch as Archie Cartwright, Mike Ooi as Oskar, Tina Muñoz Pandya as Sazarac, and Daniel Millhouse as the Client. Find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr @224BBaker, or on our website, 224bbaker.com.
